Trump Nails Iowa Caucus, Ramaswamy Bows Out

United States Army Criminal Investigation Division (CID) agents on Sunday night arrested a member of Nikki Haley’s campaign staff for offering voters $1000 prepaid debit cards in exchange for casting a ballot for her boss, a source at the CID’s headquarters told Real Raw News.

As reported yesterday, White Hats sent an unspecified number of undercover investigators to Iowa, to watch caucus activities for signs of election fraud. Tonight, Iowans across the state, encompassing 1,697 districts in 99 counties, will gather en masse at schools and community centers to participate in their first-in-the-nation caucus, casting secret ballots for candidates of choice in what ought to be a fair-and-square election. If experience has taught White Hats one thing, though, it is that the anti-Trump crowd, Republicans and Democrats alike, will utilize every dirty trick in the book to stop him from officially returning to his rightful seat in the Oval Office.

At approximately 8:00 p.m. yesterday, an undercover CID agent was mingling with locals at a Des Moines bar when an attractive woman in her 20s approached their table and introduced herself as a foot soldier for Nikki Haley’s campaign. She spoke briefly about disliking the current weather before asking the group if they supported Haley, whose real name is Nimarata Randhawa. The woman introduced herself as “Joan,” and she smiled and made small talk and eventually asked the group whether she could leave pamphlets on the table highlighting Haley’s “spectacular” campaign promises to make Iowans prosperous. She placed five brochures on the bar table, smiled, and sauntered to a different table.

The CID agent opened the brochure, and inside was a prepaid VISA gift card. He asked others at the table if their brochures also held an unexpected gift, which they did. He phoned the number on the back of the card and discovered it was a valid gift card with a balance of $1000. After politely excusing himself, the CID agent telephoned a second agent who was a mile away chatting with potential voters at another watering hole. The second agent joined the first, and together they surveilled “Joan” as she passed out an additional 40 or 50 brochures at the bar.

Afterward, they discreetly tailed “Joan” from the bar to a motel on the opposite side of the city, intercepting her as she exited her vehicle and began sauntering to the entrance. The investigators informed “Joan” she was being detained for “suspicion of election fraud,” placed her in handcuffs, and drove her to a CID safehouse, one of several White Hats have set up throughout the state.

“Joan,” it turns out, wasn’t a “Joan” at all. Our source didn’t share her true identity but said she was a low-level staffer who joined the Haley campaign in September. “Joan,” our source said, insisted handing out cash was her own idea and that Nikki Haley had no knowledge of her actions, and denied inferences of bribing Iowans to vote for Haley. Reportedly cheerful, “Joan” claimed she purchased the gift cards with her personal savings and was simply “spreading love and light” to the people of Iowa.

Our source said “Joan” will remain in custody while White Hats pursue the investigation.

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